[Hartwood] The Real Hartwood Meeting Minutes™

[Susan Hudema]

Greetings to All,
   I loved the "Real" Hartwood Meeting Minutes. I am wondering if the last item ie. appointment of herald is entirely made up or reflects a real, real event? I was at the meeting until it was adjourned and I do not recall any discussion about the herald position which since the position only became available at this meeting makes sense. We would need time to post the position and ask any interested persons to present applications and resumes at the next Council Meeting. I don't have any problem with Dori being herald but this is the process that I was told by Executive Members had to be followed.
   Soooo... could someone Who Knows (Yoda? Obi Wan?) please get back to me on this?
Thanks
Sara Hawthorne
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Julie MacTíre 
  To: hartwood at tirrigh.org 
  Sent: Sunday, July 24, 2011 4:33 PM
  Subject: [Hartwood] The Real Hartwood Meeting Minutes™


  Hartwood Meeting, July 24, 2011*



  10:25 AM  Introductions:  “Hello everyone, I’m going to tell you who I am, even though you all know who I am.  I could be hiding something, though, so I should just remind you who I am…”




  10:27 CLAP DAMN YOU ALL, CLAP




  10:28  First threats of violence “I should beat you!”  (Unsure as to provocation.  Probably a pun.)




  10:28  Zoran demands officer’s reports… “Uh, you already have them.  Right there.  In front of you.  Read them all right now!”  Zoran insists that people actually give reports.  Muttering ensues.  




  10:29  Halima informs us that while we have money in the bank account, we cannot all go to Vegas.  Muttering ensues.




  10:30  Cecile is planning many plans.  Website changes, workshops over Skype… use of Google docs.  Consensus is that she is plotting to take Hartwood over using A&S.  She announces a subversive plot to ally with the Barony of Seagirt, wasting the enmity that has been carefully built up over the years.




  10:32  Marina discusses heraldry.  Will not entertain suggestions of Tierce silhouette for Hartwood badge.  Ignores pouting.




  10:34  Elizabeth gives Zoran paperwork she claims is her report.  Zoran reads.  It’s really a ransom demand for chocolate chip cookies in exchange for the top secret Shire password.  Zoran pretends it’s a report.




  10:36  Zoran admits communicating with the world beyond the Upper Island.  Suspicion grows that he is trying to introduce new and strange ideas from the Principality Seneschal.




  10:37  Zoran threatens us all with the Hartwood financial report.  Says that if we don’t behave, he’ll force us all to read and report on it. 




  10:38  William complains that the Charter is not written in pig latin.  




  10:39  Scathach demands that William reconfirm his loyalty to Tierce.  William reaffirms his loyalty.




  10:40  Halima starts reading the charter. 




  10:42  Scathach receives copy of charter.  It looks official.  Times New Roman font and everything.




  10:46  Halima mentions that the Charter does not allow officers to use their position as officer to win non-related arguments, so “Well, I’m the Chatelaine for Hartwood, so you can too wear Elizabethan garb with a Norse persona!” is out.  Several people look disappointed.




  10:47  William calls attention to some glaring and shameful grammatical errors.  A violent argument erupts over colons versus semicolons.  Friendships are sundered, the integrity of the Shire is threatened and Zoran has to threaten the entire group with remedial financial policy study to get the meeting settled down.




  10:51  Zoran recognizes that we can’t toss someone out on their ass if they disappear while in a Hartwood officer’s position.  Charter will be rewritten to read “After three (3) consecutive absences, the Seneschal will send a note home to the officer’s parents.”




  10:55  Motion made to rewrite the Charter in Pirate.  Carried, provided that a letter of marque can be produced and the language used is pre-1650 Pirate.




  10:56  The Shire Financial policy is read.  Not only can we not use the funds to go to Vegas, we can’t even use them to throw a keg party.  Muttering ensues.




  10:58  The Financial Committee is also not allowed to use Shire funds to take vacations, gamble or throw mundane parties.  Several people visibly rethink volunteering.




  10:59  The most recent copy of the Financial Policy tried to make a break for it, but was recaptured and forced to return to Halima.




  11:00  Halima announces that money will not be given out for vague purposes.  “Because I need it for SCA stuff” is not an acceptable application for Shire funds.




  11:01  Apparently we have to follow Kingdom and mundane law.  The crumbling of castles in the air is almost audible.




  11:03  Reimbursements will not be made for receipts dated in the ‘90s.




  11:04  “I forgot” is not an excuse for not depositing cheques within the lifespan of the average guppy.




  11:08  Zoran asks for a show of hands.  Discussion arises about which hand should be raised.  Right vs. left is debated.




  11:09  Armada… Kjarten announces that this event will probably bring $800 with $200 of expenses.  Since none of this will be going to provide the populace with showgirls, minimal interest is shown and the motion to provide expenses passes.




  11:10  Raven’s War Straight ‘N Arrow budget is discussed.  There is no marshmallow expenditure for this year; people are going to have to bring their own.  Conflict arises over the “William Tell” competition, with some people arguing for the period nature of the event; others arguing modern child welfare laws.




  11:13 $5 approved for a Starbucks latte Frappe for the autocrat of Raven’s War Straight ‘N Arrow.




  11:14 Zoran demands Seneschal secret diaries that reveal the dark life of the SCA ruling elite.




  11:17 Aleyn brings in Tim Horton’s coffee.  Predatory looks are directed towards the cup holder.  Aleyn takes a seat near the door in case he has to escape to protect his beverage.




  11:19  Render unto my Seneschals those reports that are my Seneschals’




  11:20  Marina suggests that we all work together to produce a single Hartwood event.  Shocked silence. 




  11:22  The Hartwood Birthday Bash VS Port Alberni Fall Fair VS Canada Day.  Who will win in a knock-down-drag-out fight?  Opinion is divided.




  11:29  William proposes an unholy alliance between Seagirt and Hartwood to produce an event of unimaginable, awesome power.




  11:31  Elizabeth wants to take Coronet by storm.  Suggests that we all camp together without stabbing each other.  Opinion is divided.




  11:33  Zoran asks for any other business and date for next meeting.  October 2nd is decided on as not conflicting with events/Thanksgiving/ballet recitals




  11:34  Zoran asks if anyone wants to be Chatelaine.  No answer.




  11:34  Zoran says that Marina is running for Seneschal.




  11:34  Zoran asks if anyone ELSE wants to be Seneschal.  Discriminatorily ignores Tierce’s bid for the position.




  11:35  Marina tells the tale of her history in the SCA.  Aleyn is blamed.




  11:39  Discussion on the usefulness of slave labour in SCA positions.




  11:41  A possible victim volunteer has emerged for the Chatelaine position.  The predatory gazes on Aleyn’s coffee switch direction.




  11:42  She turns out to be a former Lionsgate and Kingdom Chatelaine. She also has a Shetland Sheepdog. She does agility!  Her ascension to the position is assured.




  11:44  Marina is Seneschal.  Yay!




  11:45  A speech is given to Edward of York, honouring his intestinal fortitude.  




  11:50  Adjournment.




  11:59  Dori’s application for Shire Herald is remembered.  People vote her in without bothering to read her application.  Halima insists on reading it.  People vote Dori into the position of Herald all legal-like. 




  *This document does not represent the real Hartwood minutes.  Seriously, if anyone complains that this could be mistaken for the real Hartwood minutes, for the sake of the Society, take them to a psychiatrist.  This document in no way delineates SCA policy because if it did, I would have added something about Tierce ruling everything and the Shire of Hartwood funds being used to purchase a giant chocolate fountain/ice cream maker combination for events.






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